Tips for Creating New & Lasting Friendships

 Hey Friends and Everyone else out there. 

Here's my TOP 20 tips... 

 

These tips are based on lived experiences from myself and other friends & apply to all relationships but, today I’m typically focusing on friendships that we form after we have left very extreme belief systems that provided instant connections for us in the past. They also equipped us with false expectations, critical judgement of others,  terrible information (like building codependency instead of inter dependence & independence ) and seeking for validation from others.( yikes)

So being out for the last 6 1/2 years these are my personal experience tips , my two cents, if you will...

1. Do not lead with your trauma story, or your riddled past of how you grew up in a cave of isolation first - save that information for people of trust. You’re not hiding it but you’re also not using it as a precursor to let everyone know why are you functioning and acting the way you do/ a little behind on being a grown ass person . And people won’t think of you as a cult victim and say “ oh that must have been so hard. poor you . Are you okay ?”
   
   
   
2. Heal. Make the effort to work on healing from trauma you’ve been through via reading great books or make an appointment with a therapist, who understands church induced trauma. If you don’t heal, generally most of your relationships will flounder because you seek improper connections, like codependency, filling a mother wound, seeking validation and acceptance and you are trying to fit in to a new world that you know very little about. Judgments that stay lodged in your mind about how other people live their lives can & will affect your ability to deeply connect to others . Or you will be so accepting you collect people who need You and prey on your naïveté. Get to work on taking care of your mental health & strength! Brene Brown has a body of work on Guilt, shame and vulnerability. maybe start there? 
3. As you are doing the healing work -Own your story in the ways that bring honor to you and where you’re at now! We can’t deny what we’ve been through, but we certainly don’t have to word vomit everything all at once, onto those we meet . That feels overwhelming for people, and usually is a massive turn off, or you start to create a “common enemy intimacy “ bond with those who also share your past of leaving an extreme religion or cult . Those don’t tend to last long btw if that’s the only thing y’all have in common.
4. Do not be afraid to spend money on things that you enjoy such as craft and art classes, excursions with friends, a trip, a dress for that fun night out! If you are still working with scarcity mentality around finances, because of the indoctrination ,take a step back & look at your budget and realize that there’s likely wiggle room. Money is often a leading factor as a reason why we say no we can’t participate. We were taught that everything should be FREE because that’s how we did it in the church but the truth of it is all of the events that we participate in costed time, energy and resources and now no longer does it cost us 10% of our income to participate but, just the simple fee of the registration cost for co-ed volleyball or the ticket to mom prom or whatever it may be. And always work within your budget. There’s nothing wrong with thrift shopping resale and consignment stores & finding a really good bargain on some thing you need or want. Groupon opportunities are everywhere for fun experiences together. 
5. Don’t let your fear of looking out of place hold you back from trying new things and engaging with people who have different perspectives than you. Ask those people questions out of pure interest and be a good listener. Try a poetry night or a creative writing class . While you’re doing that do not isolate one person, but make it a community engaging conversation the whole table or group can participate in. You don’t actually need to surround yourself with “like-minded people “ that also creates more cognitive dissonance and circular reasoning, and limits your ability to connect with humans of all kinds. That is still another way of living in the “ them vs us “ /" we are the special people" effed up mindset : all cults thrive on exclusivity! No thanks!
   
   
   
6. It’s absolutely OK to ask questions about things you know very little about that most of people our age  or stage in life would already have a full comprehension of. My go to is “ OK I don’t quite understand what that joke means because I lived in a cave for 36 years, can you explain a little bit? “ ask anything and embrace your sweet naivety! People love to talk about themselves and be helpful!
7. Do not assume anything about anyone. Don’t assume that they’re kind hearted and don’t assume that they’re wicked and evil because they live a different life than you. Assuming destroys friendships and relationships of all kinds do not create a narrative they know nothing about.
8. Have thick elephant skin & get comfortable with Rejection . You will do well to invite others to participate in things that you are interested in . the worst thing they can say is no- I don’t really want to go kayaking, but I’d love to do something else with you . Many people are shy and are just waiting for somebody to engage with them and invite them to do things.
9. Make sure your boundaries are clear what’s acceptable in and outside of your home and in and outside of your presence. We used to have those boundaries in our former BS such as you cannot swear in our house and you need to show no shoulders but now it may look like “you cannot bring hate towards other people of any group of humans into our home” and instead of saying “you, can’t” your boundaries looks more like “we don’t..( fill in the blank) speak like that in our home and we expect all those to do the same while here “
10. Get good at reciprocating contact if someone sends you a text message make sure that you follow up. If you don’t have the time to give a more elaborate text let them know that you’ll touch base with them the next morning or whenever is convenient for you. Also make meet up plans, optional by giving at least two or three choices of what might work for them and you to get together- nobody loves to feel pigeonholed into one time slot - you’re not a doctor after all! ( maybe you are but, please don’t put your friends in that headspace)
11. Abandon perfectionism A friend said to me once  “ I don’t know how you do it all but then you open your van door and cup falls out and there’s trash on the floor and I know you’re a real person and I can breath easy now - we are all people doing our best “ -  If you are feeling like you have to put on a show and have everything in its proper place, know that It’s just another way of masking up. You can’t create friendships with people who keep a mask on and they with you. So if you haven’t figured out who you are authentically and you’re afraid to show people that you might have an overflowing laundry room or need to be Suzie Homemaker before they’re allowed to come over, you are still masking up and holding back people from seeing how you truly are because of the perfectionism we were taught in the teachings of the church . Guess what? Jesus isn’t coming over to your house any minute that was just a lie so take a deep breath and know that you’re doing enough and that you are loved and acceptable exactly how you are right at this very minute.. You no longer have to hustle for your worth !
    
    
    
12. Surround yourself with people who are growth oriented . You may find out that some people are very limited and they’re thinking it’s going to be pretty hard for you since you are on a journey of growth and exploration. And also steer clear of people who are so focused on growth that they also set limitations with who you can and can’t be in touch with. You may be getting yourself into another cult. To understand Cults See Steven Hassan's body of work on the BITE model..
13. Stop idolizing people and take them off the pedestals you have them on . Any of them - we were taught to revere those who were in charge, leading us , doing great things etc -and that’s is a way we dehumanize ( think about how people gossip and criticize any famous person in a public arena - ugh  ) So, get off the tic tok bs , remember that social media is only 1-10% of peoples lives being shared & that some content is just another way to sell you something. And be kind to people online as well. Your social engagement can come back to bite you or to work for your good in making real connections .
14. You are not a mirror or a chameleon- do not agree all the time , don’t let other people choose what you eat, where you go on every occasion- this sounds redundant but that one part on runaway bride “ you don’t even know what kind of eggs you like!” Rings a bell. She was so happy to just go along the the eggs her many fiancés liked she never figured out what she actually enjoyed . Find your likes ,  dislikes and do not criticize if people don’t agree with your preferences' - many of of us don’t agree with many of things our friends do . That’s not what makes us friends in the first place .
15. Just because we are FREE now doesn’t mean “anything goes “ for every situation and place . Learn how to Read the room . Get an ideal of how to show up authentically in a new space and what’s appropriate for each situation . ( maybe don’t wear a sheer dress to the kids school fundraiser ?) And to be frank Some women will naturally feel extremely uncomfortable with you showing up as yourself anyways - & you don’t have to cater to those people but, you do have to do some of your life together ( kids school functions , dance class moms groups etc ) and most likely - they aren’t your people anyways so be kind and courteous- you can do it - remember how you exchanged niceties in the church hallways - just like that!
16. 
    Volunteer but don’t overextend your free labor & kind heart  like running but, don’t do more than a 5k? Volunteer as a marathon support instead of signing up to run the marathon with your friend . Host a book club , open your home for a craft night space , fill the folders at school and so on . But, for the love of all that’s holy - Do not use this to Avoid getting really in touch with who you are and who you are becoming ! “ Virtuous Avoidance “ is really easy to do with us Ex church goers . We would stay so busy with helping and doing that we avoid doing what matters most like getting physically & mentally healthy . Use your time wisely . You love theatre but aren’t ready to be on stage - go volunteer for lighting and admin . Start with things you like , are interested in, have skills in or are willing to try . And guess what - you may look back and go “ that was a waste of time or money or both “ but , it’s totally normal and you are a human having experiences of all kinds and you may find that your preferences for what you like are changing and those seasons of enjoying certain things may be coming to a close . It’s absolutely okay too. It’s normal. Nothing lasts forever.
    
17. Do not Love bomb your new friends ! Remember how we used to greet new members of our faith or ppl who just moved in ? Cookies , meals , watching their kids, helping them unpack and setting up house like besties & helping however we could . That’s a good thing to be so helpful but, to most people- it feels like you are making them a project and you are love bombing them . Yikes - only offer what you can & ask before you serve your new friend . “ Hey, I’d love to go on that rafting excursion with you and may I buy you a ticket so all you have to line up is babysitting ?” ...“ I’m picking up pizzas and I know you’ve had a long day and I’m happy to drop 2 by - What’s the families favorite ?” Gah- I remember people dropping dinners by and thinking “ Ack I can’t even eat that bc of my allergies -hopefully my kids will eat this ! “
18. Abstain from Seeking Diverse people out to fill a  Unique friend quota! That’s asinine and dehumanizing to say the least . Yes, have friends with all cultures & ways of living life but, do not target certain races and lifestyles - be open to creating genuine friendships plain & simple- your Vibe Attracts your Tribe as my friend Leah says!
19. 
    Use your Skills & Talents in the community When you are Ready. Did you enjoy singing and playing the piano in church? See if you can join the community choir. Loved camping in the outdoors that you did with the youth groups get a job at the YMCA for the summer in leadership if you have time or organize a camp out of your own, inviting friends and families to participate! Loved doing the homesteading activities ? start an Instagram account and share it with the world. All of us have some sort of skills or talent that we can use to not only make connections but to improve the lives of others. I started a Eco Event Planning Business after my years in Photography, Cakes, Seamstress work, Assisting in Wedding and Event Florals and planning. I Use all of that now in my business and Every Day life ( and sheesh I'm happily busy with it
    too) 
    
20. Lastly, Take your time ! Give yourself grace in the process of building new friendships and connections. Do not be in a rush. My grandpa used to say “ Good things ain’t cheap and cheap things ain’t good” “ quality over quantity . Don’t do a Rush job but a right Job and be proud of your work ." Over time you will gain confidence, find your most authentic & autonomous self , enjoy friendships of all kinds bc your energy is putting off these beautiful & unique vibes!!! May those who meet you be blessed by your heart & soul and GET OUT THERE!…

It's Been forever...

 since I posted and DAMN- Time Flies! This is now going to transition to a spot for growth centric content and loads of love, fun, positive energy, Our adoption journeys are at an end for our family but, i still very much help where i can. It's been a bit since we've put on a birth moms retreat and i hope we can see that happening again in the future but right now- the economy is not is a great place. We are all holding onto our pennies, watching our spending habits and abstaining from things that we don't need. It's an election year and more shifts are bound to come.  What has changed since I last posted here? A TON!

We moved cities, bought a newer house , my siblings ( all but one) have also left the LDS faith behind, I started coaching volleyball again, started up a grassroots pops choir in my new town and have been working on living wholeheartedly. There have been many bumps and learning curves with myself , kids and marriage and ALL OF IT FOR LEARNING! I can't stress that Enough. We are humans wired for learning, connecting and change. My Bff is moving away soon and it breaks my heart but i know it's her next chapter. I'm forming new and deeper friendships here in the new town as well and ALL of my kids are embarking on the same journey as well. " Friends are the Family we Choose" There's light and love and grace in it all and so much more to come . 

My little life is for me to do with as i am compelled and currently i'm still engaging in adoption and post care for those who leave cults and extreme faiths behind and just 2 weeks ago a new set of birth parents placed a sweet baby girl with a lovely adoptive family bc of contacts made in this town i call home. It's brutally bittersweet and open adoption is just that . It's a Funeral and a Wedding all at Once!

Hold space for your people in your sphere. Share your love and light and i will do the same. 

Transition to Grace

I have tried to write this blog post at least 7 times in the last 10 months. It's truly the hardest thing to start and really to finish.

WHY? Why is it so hard ? Well, because what I'm writing, living and understanding is, that not everyone is going to like what I'm going to say.... And That's Fine with me (now). But 9/10 months ago my skin wasn't so thick and my journey was still in the exploration stages.

Anyways, Here it is...

I left the Mormon Church I so dearly loved. And so did my whole family.

There, I said it! (sound the trumpets of judgment now)

Many Outsiders ( non-mormons)  have said : " Who cares! Thank God above. We've been praying for you, It's your Journey and I wish for the best for you" ( apathy or general Love)

Most Mormons generally respond with things like:
 ( these are what I've actually heard)

"You are going to lose your kids, your family. "You are following Satan. Your opinion is BS. You listened to some one's opinion and are following the ways of the World - Not God" "You can still come back. It will be difficult but, you can do it" "I can't believe you are willing to Give up your family forever" "What did you read? Did your hubby push you into leaving? You will not find happiness and joy outside of the Church. Did you just wake up and think, I want to give up on all these rules and being LDS? Are you going to love us/ like us any less? You must have never had a TRUE Testimony anyways. I guess you are one of the Tares. In the last days many people will falter and leave the church- you must be one of the weak ones who fell" ( fear based/ feelings based emotions)

FEW mormons have responded with " My friendship doesn't stop bc you left . I like you no matter what" "you are still welcomed here, I'm glad you found what makes you happy and you have peace about it. It's important you find what works for you.

Now...

If you are still reading this and didn't immediately block me bc I'm now a Horrific Person- Thank you- you are better than most. If you did-  You likely aren't a true friend anyways and your love and friendship were Conditional.

So, Here's a bit of my story...

I went on a personal inquest to understand God's Unconditional Love for Me, to work through some  grief, current guilt and shame of never Feeling like I am Enough, doing enough etc ( in the Mormon faith we are taught to BE YE PERFECT, regular temple attendance, read the BOM daily, fulfill a calling, have food storage, do genealogy, eat clean ( barely any mormons actually keep the WOW), keep your home like a temple, serve people in your ward and friends, pay a full tithe- otherwise you will have blessings withheld), and to understand the History of the Mormon Church I was literally upholding to the T.

 I was a YW presidency leader, Held a temple recommend, loved all those I served and stayed out of the gossip chains. I focused on doing my best and still- things were unsettled and missing. SO, it must mean I need to get a better understanding of My faith and church History. So, I started at Square one- Joseph Smith.....

( the rest of the story you can talk personally to me about)

I NEVER LEFT GOD OUT OF THIS PROCESS AND HIS SPIRIT IS STILL WITH ME

Needless to say- that Journey included continued Prayer, credible resources from the church, understanding Christianity and the differences between it and Mormons view of Christians (just fyi- Mormons do think you are following the Great and Abominable Church- and Following Satan too) and Understanding GRACE.

I started re-reading the non-mormon bible, signed up for a community bible study, a women's small group with my friend Kim, called Listen to My Life , visiting many other churches, reading Jesus's own words ( there's a bible with all RED LETTERS out there to see distinctly what Jesus Spoke to Us), joined a women's small group to discuss more with Flatirons Non-denominational Church and TWO Mops Groups ( mothers of Preschoolers- non-denominational women's group).

Why so many things? Well, when you leave a Church or peer group- you need to Find your tribe and develop new friendships with people who are authentic and will embrace you- for being you- not for being a certain faith . (BTW- I have no hard feelings for the ppl in the church who have dropped off the face of the earth. Ya'll are still awesome and I will always say Hi and have a love for you. For those in my old church whom I'm still friends with- you ROCK- you are awesome and that won't change)....

I Decided that IF I was going to make this massive change, I needed TWO THINGS outside of immediate family support..... JESUS and WOMEN! We all need support and leaving the RS sisterhood was hard. The LDS church does the whole carrying each other's burdens pretty well. And guess what? So does MOPS. I've brought meals, help with humanitarian efforts and engaged in wonderful socials outside of our regular meetings. I could continue to go on about Mops but, this is not the post to do so. back to my journey...

At the core of my desiring to Learn about my former faith was the Desire to have a more intimate relationship with God, my Father in Heaven and to fully Understand Grace- the Free Gift of Love that comes from Jesus- and only through His Atonement and Sacrifice on the Cross are we Saved.

I did chat with one friend of mine who is a TBM ( true believing Mormon) and we brought up- that People who leave the church are generally not happier..... I thought that too at one time.....But, what I am understanding more, is that people who Leave God out of this very hard transition, tend to look for all the right things ( comfort, support, connection, validation, friendships, self-worth etc) in all the WRONG places.  The old adage "misery seeks company" applies here. BUT, it's a personal journey for every individual and I hope everyone finds peace and love regardless of what they choose.

SO, as I stated, I did NOT leave God out of this process. I did however start from Scratch on who I thought God was/ is. My friend told me " Whatever BOX you have God in- Rip it up and start over- He is so much more than you think He is!" Thank you Viv for saying this to me. I needed to hear that.

You may notice a few changes in my life and some may make Mormons feel uncomfortable. I am not sorry you feel uncomfortable and I kinda don't care what YOU or OTHERS may think. I care most about WHAT GOD THINKS about ME, MY heart, My Family and all those in my Sphere of influence.

Here's what you can Expect from me now:

Unconditional LOVE FOR YOU- right where you are at- Don't change a thing- God is already loving you just as you are now.

Different styles of clothes ( be warned you may see my porn shoulders- LOL)

Trying new things and meeting new people

Authentic, Vulnerable Conversations about Real Stuff that Matters

No Judgments on however someone is living their life differently than I am

More Time-In with my kids and Family ( less church commitments on Sundays and weekdays)

Lots of FUN POSTS and Some Open Dialogue as I continue Growing in my Journey.

I WILL LISTEN TO YOU and Not Shut you Down when you share a different view than I do.

I will be serving in other roles in churches, mops etc and continuing to speak God's truth into those in my sphere. I won't be mean but, will call a spade a spade.

What Has Already changed:

Well- I lost weight- about 7 lbs in like 2 weeks, from the internal stress I had been carrying around
to become perfect. Then, with hormonal help, diet, exercise, I dropped another 23. whoohoo!!!

My relationship with God is bolder and deeper and so much more dynamic

I wake up with PEACE every morning and don't think of the endless things I need to do to EARN my place in the Celestial Kingdom  (grace is free- eternal families and eternal love is taught in all Christian religions and actually most faiths. Mormon theology teaches faith without works is dead-and if you are not sealed in a temple- you won't be with your family in the hereafter. Christianity teaches Works are an outpouring of God's love. )

I know I AM ENOUGH now- Through Jesus I am Enough. I am finally okay that I am a GOOD PERSON

I have more open dialogue and deeper love for my fellow humans. It's uncanny, right? I generally LOVE everyone even more than i did before this transition. Why? bc I have no internal motive to maybe convert you some day so we can party in the Celestial heavens together. And

What Won't Change:

My love for Adoption and Fostering, Humanitarian Efforts

Our friendships- unless you decide to bail- I can respect that

Healthy Living choices in General

Me- I will still be fun, silly, creative, ambitious, ridiculously flawed ME! Hope you are okay with that.

Just thought you should know.

*COMMENTS are TURNED OFF for a reason. I don't want this to be a space for arguing- Only for my peeps to come to understand my Perspective and Walk with Faith. Ya'll are always welcome to reach out, call, text, and will be greeted with nothing but love!

GOD IS LOVE- HIS LOVE IS REAL AND UNCONDITIONAL!

What would DIS-QUALIFY someone from Being an Adoptive or Foster Parent

I have had a few couples reach out to me lately and ask me a few questions I didn't know the answers to. You'd think after 4 home studies, 5 adoptions, involving 3 different states, that we'd KNOW IT ALL.... But, Alas, we DON'T so, the next logical thing to do was ASK....

I'm putting the answers BELOW:

Here's what Lutheran Family Services said:

When thinking about adoption or foster care, many people have questions or even anxiety  about whether they are eligible.  There are a few disqualifying things such as : you must be 21 and have no felony criminal or child abuse history. For adoption, every agency may have different requirements around religion, same sex couples, single persons or age. International adoptions have many criteria based on the country and can include age, BMI, medication for mental health issues. 

The important thing for all agencies is to place children in homes that are safe and nurturing.  Agencies are not looking for people who have had a perfect childhood or never made a mistake.   Life’s tough  experiences show your ability to cope  with difficulties and how you used services and your support system to help you.

Financial  It can be expensive to adopt and your finances will be evaluated.  It is not about the amount of money you make but how you handle money.  If you make a great deal of income but are swimming in debt, adoption fees and bringing another child in the home could be very stressful and may impact your marriage and the attachment to your child.  Many adoptive families with a modest income but financially responsible are highly successful in adoption .

Timing   Sometimes families want to apply for adoption immediately after a miscarriage and although we believe that infertility may never be completely resolved, you agency may  put you  on hold to deal with these issues before you proceed to adopt. If stresses in your life such as illness, job loss or death of a parent or family member or other issues are overwhelming , the  agency may ask you to be on hold.

Medical Everyone in your family will need a physical and recommendation from your doctor about your ability to parent. Most health issues are not disqualifying but will be explored in a home study.  If you are a cancer survivor , you would be asked about how you dealt with the illness and what your support systems would be in the future if it reoccurred.  If your  physical stated that you can’t pick up over 25 pounds due to a back injury, we would talk with you and problem solve about how you would pick up your child as a toddler.

Alcohol and Drugs. Any substance use will be discussed and if excessive or problematic to your relationships or job it would be addressed in the study.  Marijuana is not approved even if being used  for medical purposes.

From Adoption Choices of CO ( non-profit- privately funded agency)

The most common reasons for not being approved to adopt a child through the home study process are as follows:

A felony less than ten years old (case-by-case)

A felony involving domestic violence or anything to do with a child

A history of viewing child pornography/sex offender

A health issue that is life threatening and would shorten a person’s life span 

Some are:

If one person wants to adopt a child and the other person in the couple obviously does not (counseling might be recommended instead of denial)

Drug/alcohol use that is current and has never been treated

Obvious marital issues that have not been addressed

Financial deficits – unable to afford to raise a child

Also added- IT WOULD NOT disqualify you if you use MJ in CO- IF you adopt from here and emom lives here- BUT, if she lives in any state that doesn't approve of medical or rec marijiuana use- you cannot adopt from that particular state. 

Added insight...

Addictions in general that are current are a reason to be denied

Any medical condition where a person would not be able to physically parent a child or has a terminal illness

Marijuana is treated like alcohol use (case-by-case)

Overweight is ok if it will not affect their lifespan

Addicted to pain pills - denied

Here's what Adoption Options of CO has to say as well:

Personal finances are also taken into consideration as well.  We don’t want the adoption process to be too financially crippling for a family and we want to make sure families are financially prepared to care for a child. 

Certain felonies would immediately exclude them from the process

If they are not being truthful or not disclosing information that is discovered later via a background check

If it is discovered they are not in a stable relationship or there are medical /mental health problems not being resolved or managed,

drug or alcohol abuse

___________________
REMEMBER

Privately funded agencies ( meaning ones that the federal gov't doesn't contribute to) have their own rules and regulations. SO, BEFORE you LEAP- look into the agencies policies and practices and ETHICS.
There you have it! Your Answers!!!

Jesus Has No Party Line- An original poem

Jesus Has No Party Line

He is not Red or Blue

He does not care what flag you wave

But asks you to be True

Be True to those who stand in need

To those without a voice

He wants you to love everyone

But, it must be Your Choice

He does not force your hand

To do His works and deeds

He cares more about your soul and heart

That's what the Bible reads

Jesus never pointed fingers

Like Pharisee of Old

He dined with sinners, the sick and lowly

No thought of wealth and Gold

He asks us to do many things 

To follow in His Walk

But, most of all (and most important)

Love others- Don't just Talk!

Never did He say to Us

Through secrets- Enter In

No handshakes, symbols and no oaths

Only Grace, Frees us from Sin

We who call ourselves his followers

Christians, disciples of the King

Must exit off our Horses on high

Our broken hearts We Bring

And Give Our will, our hearts desire

O'er to  what He's planned 

We must have faith and Trust

It's so much more that Grand

Though Tides will ebb and storms may rage

And Life at times unfair 

In valleys when we crack and break

The Light can enter there

We are Refined in fire and pain

The smelting of our souls

To be a kinder, gentler us

Eternal are His goals

See, Jesus Has no Party Line

Except He has His Own

In the sand He marks it out

The Line where Love is shown.

~Corrine Christian

copyright Jan.29.2019

Birth Father Poetry- Feat. Thomas Castleberry

I had the privilege of meeting Thomas and His wife and birth mother, Rayanne, and feel their love for their birth child and the parents they chose. Here's a poem that touch my heart....

The Challenge 

Months of preparation are now a reality.

We held him, looked into his eyes, listen to his coos, loved him

And now...he is no longer with us.

Yesterday was the worst day of our life, hands down.

I know he is loved and will be taken cared for...but,

that knowledge can not take away her pain, 

dry her tears, 

fill the hole in her heart.

She is fractured but I will make sure she doesn't brake.

She is in pain but I will find a way to comfort her.

She fills alone, I will reassure her that this is not the case.

She is lost, I will be her light to find her way home.

With all my good intentions, I can not ease her sorrow.

That fact rips my soul in two.

I must be strong, be her strength.

Only time will mend her wounds.

All I can do is be here for her, wipe her tears, hold her injured heart.

This is our path.

A path of love.

Our sacrifice. 

A sacrifice for the greater good.

We will be part of his life.

We will cherish every fleeting moment with get with him.

They will care for him, protect him.

I will take care for her, protect her...that is my challenge...and I accept it.

-TC

this is their birth son! Just turned 2! What a joy

Its been too long...

Man, I need to reformat the blog, update pics and so on. If you are following us on Facebook- you have more of an updated version of our family and adventures. Our community page is Brandon and Corrine- Party of 9.
 Find us and read on. Even that needs updating too.

A few things have kept me away from writing and rightfully so. These adorable little blessings are certainly worth it but, now they are 14 months and it's time to continue to open up, share and be vulnerable with ya'll who read or who are connected to us personally or through mutual friends.



Adoption is HARD, life is Hard and all of us have hard things we are going through. I am often asked a few different questions to today, I will put these ?'s to rest...





Are you guys going to adopt MORE?

How did you get 4 birth moms/dads to pick you guys?

What can I do to get chosen by an expectant mom / what advice can you give me?

Q#1

Well, I think our Quiver is pretty full guys and 7 is a LOT OF KIDS! We did not renew our adoption home study and do not have plans to do that either. But, Every time I've told God and the Universe my PLANS- there has always been different ones in the works so, I think if the right situation came along and it was absolutely destiny- then well will have to think about it, of course.

But, as of now- We are content and not seeking to adopt at all.

 We know that our ministry isn't done in regards to adoption and fostering and we have big hopes and desires to serve through becoming Respite Foster Parents in about 4-5 years and also to work closely with orphanages and orphan care overseas in countries who are in dire need of help.
 ( So, far we are looking to help in Peru, the Philippines and Cambodia/ Vietnam) Who knows where God will continue to lead our hearts and where our family will go. I can see us overseas in 5-7 years doing work in those countries and beyond. Our oldest kiddo has 5 years before she graduates and our next is the year after her so, I think time will tell.

In the meantime, we are caring for our kids, hopeful adoptive families, expectant moms and adoptees however we are led.

Recently, we had an expectant mom reach out to us Asking us If We would consider adopting her unborn baby. Of course it was through SM so I wanted to see if she was legit. ( I FB stalked her profile/ searched some things she had said she had done/ been etc. and she said she had placed before back 5 ish years ago.) She WAS legit. I found the family she placed with, their company, the agency and care center she worked with and I was having wonderful honest convo with her. I prayed about her and the situation and was led to tell her over the phone that we aren't the family she's looking for  and that we are still in over our heads with 3 in diapers!

She was sad for a bit but, I of course, had some families up my sleeves. I sent her over 3 family profiles and two profiles on FB and she has a wonderful deep connection with one couple who have a SOUL connection and this sweet couple has been through two failed adoptions already. Things are going well with them and I am grateful to be an instrument in God's Hands to help connect, inspire and uplift those in my sphere of influence. I truly have had quite a few things like this happen to me over the last 10 years or so. I Know this is where God wants me to serve His children right now. All the Glory is His and His Alone. It's awesome to see how just a matter of a few simple words, a post about a situation,  a phone convo , a longer relationship or quick instance, can change someone's lives forever. I don't need to name names or say how many times I've helped people- God Knows those things ( and I kind of lost track now) and that's all that matters. I am doing Enough and Am Enough and He is using Me as I Am, right now.

Don't ever think you aren't Good enough or Worthy enough to Serve those that are in your path, community and sphere of influence. You are Right where you Need to Be- Right Now. And Yes, Striving to be our Best is a good thing but, not if you are blind to who you are now and what you are doing now. Progress over perfection! One Day at a time, one step at a time. 

As for the Future and us - We will see as it unfolds and Hope and pray for all those in our lives.


Q#2
 I bribed them!!!!    No, just messing with you! I Actually, think that timing, authenticity and God and the Energy we put out into the Universe,  have everything to do with our short waits and when our children's birth mothers and fathers found us.  With only 2 different agencies involved and our last ones where we were just applying to situations- I truly was Prompted in my Heart to move when all things lined up. 

Yes, our profile books and pictures looked good, honest and Real. Yes, our content was FULL of rich details and we are super transparent ( we even told them our last name in the EP letter;) and we try to be as raw and vulnerable as we can on the daily anyways. 

I couldn't tell you why they picked us and why our waits were relatively short but, i can tell you that when things line up, it feels right, you get chills down your back to move forward on something- DO IT. Do not wait for a giant wave to knock you over- Move when you need to move because standing still just feels wrong!

If you are waiting for an anvil to drop on your foot before you fill out adoption papers, apply to certain situations, opening your hearts to maybe think outside your checked boxes on your search/match criteria - It may Never come!!!

I had one gal tell me bc her adoption agency shut down " Well, I guess we are only having one kid then!"  She has since regretted closing that door. To those who don't feel like giving up and giving in but, do it anyways- YOU ARE NOT BEING REAL AND TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE and YOU chose to GIVE UP- that's on YOU! It's not GOD's fault - your agencies fault etc.  There is no FAULT- you just decided to throw in the towel and shut the door.  And that is Your Decision. End of Story...

I'm going to tell you though- Had you kept the door opened for maybe a bit longer, saved more money and decided the wait would be worth it- I'm am certain your story would be different by now. 

I know this might sound like a slap in the face for some and i will surely get some responses like " we spent 40k in IVF and lost 15k in a failed match etc- I get it- IT SUCKED - It's not cool to loose that much money and time and it's awful. I hate that this is part of your journey- but, its just that PART of your Journey. It's not the End- You didn't die. And We all have Free Will to choose whatever we want. So, if  that's what you want to do- DO IT and do not say it was bc of other things- You chose to give up and My heart breaks for you and your families and what might have been.  Never forget that you can fund raise, apply for grants, have bake sales, auctions, craft sales, gofundme or youcaring accounts, work extra hours, take out a HELOC, save for another year or two and be strategic in your every day spending. And in lieu of a baby shower gifts- ask for donations to pay back or pay off your adoption account/ debt. Ask the agency if you can do bulk payments if placement happens faster than you were ready for too. 

Q#3 

What can you do to get chosen by am Emom & Edad? 

Well, Present your Most Authentic Self- ALWAYS! Share your story, your hearts, lead with love- not your infertility. These emoms are choosing placement bc parenting isn't the best option for the baby and themselves/ families etc. Be honored you are in the waiting pool and able to save up or afford adoption.  

You can open up all windows and doors to finding the right path for the child or children to come to your family. Look into other agencies with low flat fees, expand your search, update your profile if its more than a year old, bug your agency workers, send out positive vibes into the Universe for your future birth parents. ( I did pretty much every time and honestly, i felt the connections before our kids came- each and every time. Call it prophecy or intuition but, i could feel they were close, not too far off and very connect to the expectant moms of our kiddos. - more on that later. )

Lastly, 

Spend your time WAITING- doing something GOOD during this Transition!

YOU ARE WORTH IT- THE WAIT IS WORTH IT- The Process of Transformation is worth it and I'm Praying for YOU and sending Good Vibes your way! 

Till next time ~CC

#openadoption #adoptionblogs #birthparents #birthmom #adoptionhelp 

PART -2 of our Adoption Story ( well, really the whole thing)

We recorded the adoption story of the Twins on Adoption Now Radio podcast so, go listen now!

LISTEN to it HERE!!!

It's been too long since I've posted so I will make up by posting some FUN pics of these cuties. As of late, We went to Maui in January and the babies came too! We are prepping to buy a new home and met an wonderful Lady, Victoria who we will be buying her giant house later this summer. She is an amazing person, even if we weren't buying her place. It's a cool story that I will share in the future as things play out.

The kids all got a cold over the Break and now everyone is better and life is starting to find a new normal all over again. It changes every time the babies sleep more throughout the night. My kids are hilarious with sleep right now but, Hey, We wanted this and it's only Temporary, right?

Ok more pics now...

 

Best Road side stand EVER on the Road to Hana!

 

Uncle Josh and Daddy are SOOOO funny!

 

On the Snorkel BOAT! ( to see more pics visit my facebook page)

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas

I promise i will have PART 2 of our story come out sooner than later so, cut me some slack- im a tired momma of 7 now! Whoa that's crazy to write. Also, there's been some suggestion that it's time to write our BOOK. I'm nervous and trying to figure out where to start our story at. I think possibly starting it at Brandon's own adoption may be the best jumping off point but, we will see. Anyone want to be my Ghost writer? lol. I'm almost certain that when i get sleep again- life will start to normalize- or at least I will start to feel good with our new normal.

Anywho, the TWINS are Doing Great! Dahlia is smaller than Drake now and here's some photos for your entertainment!

 they were 5 days old! so precious:)

just last Sunday!

our funny outake 

Our Newest Additions and our Final Chapter- Part 1

Back in Nov of  2016, myself and Brandon were very content loving on our beautiful children. Our house was brimming with squeals and giggles and the occasional bit of sibling rivalry and loud noises. We were gearing up for the Holidays and couldn't be happier. One cold night as we snuggled in bed, we were recalling how quickly our kids were growing up and how blessed we are.

"So, Do you think we are Done now?" I asked Brandon, as I had man other times. His response was the same as it had been the last two months. " I don't really know." And for the next weeks this question would keep coming up.

Finally, 2 weeks before Celise's finalization for her adoption to be made complete, I asked again and he answered almost the same as He had before. But this time I said " If we are not sure now, then we are not done. We are not complete. " Brandon quietly responded " Yeah, We aren't done. " What followed was a week of contacting our casework to do a home study update BEFORE Celise's adoption was closed or we would have had to start the home study process all over again. That means finger prints, background checks, home visits, interview and miles of laborious paperwork. And of course, it costs so much more.  So, together we decided to give our selves 3.5 more years and if nothing happened, that would be it for us. It never felt right saying we were done and Yes people thought we were nuts ( i still think we are nuts, actually).

When I told my father that we were planning to adopt again whenever God and the Universe saw fit He said " WHY?" I said "WHY NOT? We have enough love, time, resources and the Desire is undeniably there. " " Good answers. " He chimed back.
 I asked and prayed for guidance through this process and although I had very vivid prompting and personal revelations about Celise and her birth mom, Dausi, It wasn't the same this time around.
I mean, I had peace about the whole process and that never left me once but, no clear distinct path as to how this would all come about. So, onward we went.

" How do your other kids feel about adding another child? Are you open to age, siblings, twins?" Asked Emily F,  our LFS caseworker. " More than once our children had brought up things like I can't wait to have our last kids. I feel like we are missing some children still, mom. Said Brielle. I don't think we are all here yet mom. And when asked if we would get chosen for a boy or a girl, Slade would answer "both of them, A boy and a Girl" ( oh how wise are those tiny children so close to God and his Angels) He never really deviated from saying BOTH of THEM, either.

"Yeah, Yes, we are open to children 0-3.5, siblings etc" he responded to Emily. I actually waited for B to say anything before I opened my mouth.  He felt what I did, except for all the fatherly pressure He carries on his shoulders, that I do not- weighed on Him  in that very sentence.

Over the next weeks we redid our profile book, got physicals, and filled out just a few forms this time. Uncle Josh still lived with us
 ( Gavin's birth dads younger brother) and We knew at some point He'd be looking at a place of his own to purchase. We didn't mind helping him out and love him very much but, we needed a room back before any baby could come here. Brandon also decided He didn't want to adopt again in this house. So, we looked at what was coming up for sale constantly on the CHFR site.

Slowly, over the next few months I started to receive some strong personal revelations that came to my mind and heart about this upcoming adoption. I didn't ask to know or find out details from God and the Universe- I guess you could say I was just OPEN to whatever.  I remember talking to my friends Abby, Christine and Jessica about this info I was receiving. I knew without a doubt that the next Birth mom to come into out life would Be older or of a sisterly age, closer to mine and I knew that she'd have CHILDREN- not a child but, more than 1 kiddo. I also talked about siblings and more than one with my confidants. They kept saying " You know its more than one, don't you?" And I did feel like we might adopt a sibling set but, never thought twins because, let's be Honest for second, who'd chose a family with 5 children already?

Well, we pressed on with our home search during the months to come instead of focusing on when or where or who would be coming our way.


Lot's of homes were just wonderful, that came up on the market and we were certain we'd sell this summer. As the summer approached, we were now more focused on vacations coming up and visiting with friends and family. We planned a BIG trip for late June and the bulk of July!  So, with that in mind we lined up some workers to finish projects around our home and realized we just wouldn't finish on time for the summer season to sell our home so, we put it on the back burner. Two days after We got home it was time to focus on getting ready for the UFA BIRTH PARENT RETREAT coming up. I came home to multiple projects going on in the house, my hubby converted the inside storage room to a reptile room and boxes were EVERYWHERE! I felt overwhelmed but, alas, I had to press on and get these boxes sorted and out to the shed and to focus on the retreat. My friend Christina came over to help me one day with birth mom Swag bags. She walked down my hall and into my dining room and exclaimed : " Did you See that situation with the Expectant mom who is having TWINS, on the Premier site?"

"No, I'm not re-registered with them yet. That's going to be so HARD for someone. I bet she picks someone with one or no kids. My sister has twins and I watched her juggle and struggle those first few years It was exhausting for her! But, read her bio to me just for kicks!"

" Birth mother J is expecting twins in August/Sept , has 4 children, is 36 yrs of age ( at this point my ears perked up and waves of tingles and the Spirit washed over my being) would love an open adoption with the family she chooses, is open to traditional couples, christian in theology and open to couples with children already in the home..."

I am sure Christina watched my face as it went from mere interest to OH MY GOSH! I HAVE TO APPLY FOR THIS SITUATION!" She looked at me with a puzzled look and within an hour or two I was on the phone with Isabel over at Premier. I chatted with her about it for a second and her basic response " We have MANY couples interested in the babies already with us and...( I kindly cut her off) "It's less about the babies for me and more about this Emom. Twins are going to be hard and I'm not in LA LA LAND about what it will take. I do feel it's of course very special but, reality is it's going to be tough for a long time." I told her about my spiritual impressions and how I've only applied to 2 other situations since we  went down this path again. I told her about the confirming chills and peace I had no matter what. I even told her I'd happily be at the back of the line and no need to show us until all other families could go first. We are not in a rush but, trying to just be OPEN no matter what.

At last, she decided that she'd be happy with us getting our digital profile over and yes, we'd be at the back of the HAP pool/list what-have-you and our profile would not be shown immediately and I was totally fine with it. Whatever is meant to be, will happen. I went To bed that night with peace. Our digital profile pages were in her hands and the rest was not up to me.


 And luckily the agency knew us quite well because we had just adopted Celise through them 16 short months ago and we had referred a ton of couples and families to them! So, we had a small sliver of a chance but, like we said were in no RUSH at all...