The Christian Crew

We all come to different stages in our lives where we see the end of what was our life for the last um-teen years or months and the change that is ahead. Some of us are overjoyed at these next steps or end of that certain chapter but, most of us see these as bittersweet experiences. For me, the most recent one was TODAY! I seriously went through the whole grief cycle in a matter of hours. I bargained with myself saying internally " i can totally still do this if i just give up what i really need to do" " I will just try harder, then everything will be fine"! I Denied that this was going to happen today- i said now way- This is not happening! I felt GUILTY for not being a more equipped mother to my most recent baby. I was ANGRY at Myself  for being a QUITTER! I held my limp , stretch marked abdomen and SOBBED uncontrollably, Hating that i didn't Get to NURSE ALL of my Babies and get that bonding time with each of them.  As I held Slade in my Arms after nur...

So, most of you who have lived through infertility and miscarriage, understand how those 2 words go together. It's almost like my brain won't let my heart comprehend that I'm actually pregnant. I'm doing fine now, not so sick or anything but, mentally, it's still tough and exhausting. No matter how much I say " whatever happens, happens!" Or other things  like that- I sound negative. After 5 miscarriages over my 10 years of marriage, how can i expect that "THIS ONE WILL MAKE IT" without a shadow of doubt or worry. I really would be lying if I acted as though everything is just fine all the time. I know that as the baby gets closer to term my chances increase to successfully have a baby who lives! Our old caseworker wouldn't even remove couples profiles who got pregnant till they reached the feasible state where a baby will most likely live! In his thoughts that's 28 weeks! I agree with that b/c I've had friends lose at all kinds o...