HOPE... a Letter to Infertile and Childless Couples

It's Been on my mind for the past few weeks to write a bit of wisdom and understanding concerning becoming a parent through adoption. Mainly in part, because I have so many sweet friends and associates who are still Waiting for the Miracle of a Child.

These friend of mine are smart, educated, have nice homes, pets, degrees, are well-respected in the community and GIVE so much to those they serve yet, they long to be called Mommy and Daddy.

 Their arms ache for a child and their hearts seem to be held together with strings of hope after such long periods of time without kids. I've Been there. Maybe in a different way and time in my life but, I've had those crummy, hard experiences. Like speaking in church on mothers day after three years of infertility and empty arms. Or days when I didn't want to try any more, like after I lost the 5th baby on my birthday one year!

I want you precious and wonderful couples to know that HOPE is okay to have again!!! YEP, after 20 some odd negative signs on your pregnancy tests- I challenge you to GAIN an ounce of Hope and see where it leads you. One Condition though... YOUR HOPE MUST BE IN GOD'S PLAN FOR YOU and YOUR FAMILY.

Yep, That comes with learning to Trust In God all over again. and believe you me, I have done my fair share in trying to Bargain with the Almighty!

It doesn't fly with Him who Knows all things- It took me YEARS to adopt the philosophy of BEING ON GOD's ROLLER COASTER and enjoying the highs and lows and views from every angle- or just trying to hang on thru the parts that were hard!

You see Sometimes we think we know what is best and we expect things in our time, in this instance, I'm Talking about having children. But, what we cannot see is How God is working in us while we do not have them. PATIENCE is a virtue we are constantly working on. I love this Talk about Patience. Here's a excerpt...

In the 1960s, a professor at Stanford University began a modest experiment testing the willpower of four-year-old children. He placed before them a large marshmallow and then told them they could eat it right away or, if they waited for 15 minutes, they could have two marshmallows.

He then left the children alone and watched what happened behind a two-way mirror. Some of the children ate the marshmallow immediately; some could wait only a few minutes before giving in to temptation. Only 30 percent were able to wait.

It was a mildly interesting experiment, and the professor moved on to other areas of research, for, in his own words, “there are only so many things you can do with kids trying not to eat marshmallows.” But as time went on, he kept track of the children and began to notice an interesting correlation: the children who could not wait struggled later in life and had more behavioral problems, while those who waited tended to be more positive and better motivated, have higher grades and incomes, and have healthier relationships.

What started as a simple experiment with children and marshmallows became a landmark study suggesting that the ability to wait—to be patient—was a key character trait that might predict later success in life. ¹

So, my point here is that the time i was childless, i was being taught patience and i have become a stronger more independent and successful person and that has helped me in every facet of my life. Though at the time it was just tough to hear from others, to just be patient and wait. I have received double the blessings just as the children received twice the reward in this experiment.

I hated the comments like :" Just go on a long vacation and you will get pregnant. "Or " stop trying and then you will conceive ." I Knew that the option of Adoption was something i had already embraced in my youth. I was told at 16 yrs of age that it would be hard or nearly impossible for me to have children. But, i still grieved in my own ways. The grief cycle is a Mack Truck aiming right for your heart! I was angry at people who were pregnant or looked too young to be pregnant. I was upset at hearing about young moms who could just sneeze and they were with-child. I remember  one night in a restaurant hearing a mom complaining about her kid being so clingy and just thinking " Gosh, i would die to have that!"

Through all of that- the Grief, The love, the desires, the disappointment, I remained Steadfast to the HOPE of becoming a mother one Day. And God did not let me down!

With my four kids, two through adoption and 2 through biological conception, I am one busy women. 

My Message for you who feel Hopeless or Forgotten by God- YOU ARE NOT ALONE and you are NOT FORGOTTEN. Sometimes you just need to Open all the Windows and Let the Lord lead you. 
One of my friends tried tradition adoption and the day after the baby was born the birth mother changed her mind, she did Foster care and had seven placements none whom she adopted, then she tried embryo adoption but it didn't stick, then back to FC and no luck again. She finally threw her hands up to God and Let Him lead and less than a year later( after seven long years) they were blessed with a beautiful little girl!

 Don't think that for one Second that you have to be childless or you are resorting to live a childless life. Get busy doing everything possible to OPEN the Windows and avenues to Find the Child or Children who are meant to be in your family. PRAY, Get your message out to others, make a pass-along card with your desire to become a parent through adoption, Get online and get a profile out there so others can connect to you and your story. Go through Foster Care training , get connected with others who are also in this field. Meet agencies or attorneys who deal with this on a daily basis. Volunteer anywhere you can. Be PROACTIVE! DO SOMETHING!!! children do not just magically fall in your lap( well, in most cases)- you need to SEEK and YE SHALL FIND. 

The Saddest thing to see is a couple who has given up hope and resorted to live a less than ideal 

life when there has been little to no effort to achieve the outcome they most desired. 

One more Time... in case you heard me wrong " GET OFF YOUR FANNY AND GET MOVING- Time waits for no man- Babies do not fall out of the sky. There are children in foster care and orphanages who would LOVE to have you as parents- you just need to do all you can and HOPE and TRUST in the LORD and ASK HIM TO GUIDE YOU!

You can Look at a beautiful Sunset and be sad that the day is over- OR you can think of the gorgeous Sunrise that awaits the following morning! God Gives us these to remind us of the Beauty of all His creations- imperfect as we are- we still deserve to become parents!

During this childless time...You should BECOME the parents you want to be BEFORE the kid gets here- Set Goals, Save your money, get in better shape, learn to cook, take a few more college courses, go on an adventure or two, learn a new skill,  Journal, volunteer, join a club or a gym or a social group, Strengthen your marriage, get some needed vacation and some therapy. Work through your demons or addictions, Conquer those things that are holding you back- or what-have-you! DO NOT WAIT!

This is the Land of HOPE and Opportunity and  Becoming a Parent is not impossible through the Miracle of Adoption and other advances in technology. 

We must take a quick inventory on our challenges and trials and decide if we want to WHINE and WAIL and ask WHY ME.? Or we can see WHy and How God has been shaping us to becoming Stronger and better people. "disappointments can be seen either as a prelude to continued failure in our lives or as occasions for great personal growth and even the beginning of truly outstanding performance.  "
 full article

I want to finish with a piece about being Grateful in Any Circumstance- in hopes that those who read this might consider a paradigm shift...

It is easy to be grateful for things when life seems to be going our way. But what then of those times when what we wish for seems to be far out of reach?

Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.

There is an old story of a waiter who asked a customer whether he had enjoyed the meal. The guest replied that everything was fine, but it would have been better if they had served more bread. The next day, when the man returned, the waiter doubled the amount of bread, giving him four slices instead of two, but still the man was not happy. The next day, the waiter doubled the bread again, without success.

On the fourth day, the waiter was really determined to make the man happy. And so he took a nine-foot-long (3-m) loaf of bread, cut it in half, and with a smile, served that to the customer. The waiter could scarcely wait for the man’s reaction.

After the meal, the man looked up and said, “Good as always. But I see you’re back to giving only two slices of bread.”____------____-----

Are we Always looking at the meadow of wildflowers and pointing out all the cow patties instead of gazing at the flowers and views ahead?

I look back on my years of childlessness and my miscarriages with such fondness now ( i know hindsight is 20/20). I enjoyed the time alone with just my hubby- we grew so strong during that time- we are better for it. He is such a fabulous father and husband and through all of our Trials- I have Seen the Hand of God in our lives. I have been helped, loved, guided and served by those around me during my tough times. I have enjoyed the Upside down loops and slow climbs to the top on this Roller Coaster Ride. I'm not perfect nor am I anywhere near it- I just know that I was not forgotten during my trials and NEITHER are you! Now, Go and DO all that you can to find your missing pieces to your family. Be guided by the Holy Spirit, Commune with God, Ask with Faith and Hope and TRUST HIM for He knows you better than you Know yourself! 

God Bless you on this Journey and Hold Fast --The Light will Come- and It will be Glorious!