Hey Friends and Everyone else out there.
Here's my TOP 20 tips...
These tips are based on lived experiences from myself and other friends & apply to all relationships but, today I’m typically focusing on friendships that we form after we have left very extreme belief systems that provided instant connections for us in the past. They also equipped us with false expectations, critical judgement of others, terrible information (like building codependency instead of inter dependence & independence ) and seeking for validation from others.( yikes)
So being out for the last 6 1/2 years these are my personal experience tips , my two cents, if you will...
- Do not lead with your trauma story, or your riddled past of how you grew up in a cave of isolation first - save that information for people of trust. You’re not hiding it but you’re also not using it as a precursor to let everyone know why are you functioning and acting the way you do/ a little behind on being a grown ass person . And people won’t think of you as a cult victim and say “ oh that must have been so hard. poor you . Are you okay ?”
- Heal. Make the effort to work on healing from trauma you’ve been through via reading great books or make an appointment with a therapist, who understands church induced trauma. If you don’t heal, generally most of your relationships will flounder because you seek improper connections, like codependency, filling a mother wound, seeking validation and acceptance and you are trying to fit in to a new world that you know very little about. Judgments that stay lodged in your mind about how other people live their lives can & will affect your ability to deeply connect to others . Or you will be so accepting you collect people who need You and prey on your naïveté. Get to work on taking care of your mental health & strength! Brene Brown has a body of work on Guilt, shame and vulnerability. maybe start there?
- As you are doing the healing work -Own your story in the ways that bring honor to you and where you’re at now! We can’t deny what we’ve been through, but we certainly don’t have to word vomit everything all at once, onto those we meet . That feels overwhelming for people, and usually is a massive turn off, or you start to create a “common enemy intimacy “ bond with those who also share your past of leaving an extreme religion or cult . Those don’t tend to last long btw if that’s the only thing y’all have in common.
- Do not be afraid to spend money on things that you enjoy such as craft and art classes, excursions with friends, a trip, a dress for that fun night out! If you are still working with scarcity mentality around finances, because of the indoctrination ,take a step back & look at your budget and realize that there’s likely wiggle room. Money is often a leading factor as a reason why we say no we can’t participate. We were taught that everything should be FREE because that’s how we did it in the church but the truth of it is all of the events that we participate in costed time, energy and resources and now no longer does it cost us 10% of our income to participate but, just the simple fee of the registration cost for co-ed volleyball or the ticket to mom prom or whatever it may be. And always work within your budget. There’s nothing wrong with thrift shopping resale and consignment stores & finding a really good bargain on some thing you need or want. Groupon opportunities are everywhere for fun experiences together.
- Don’t let your fear of looking out of place hold you back from trying new things and engaging with people who have different perspectives than you. Ask those people questions out of pure interest and be a good listener. Try a poetry night or a creative writing class . While you’re doing that do not isolate one person, but make it a community engaging conversation the whole table or group can participate in. You don’t actually need to surround yourself with “like-minded people “ that also creates more cognitive dissonance and circular reasoning, and limits your ability to connect with humans of all kinds. That is still another way of living in the “ them vs us “ /" we are the special people" effed up mindset : all cults thrive on exclusivity! No thanks!
- It’s absolutely OK to ask questions about things you know very little about that most of people our age or stage in life would already have a full comprehension of. My go to is “ OK I don’t quite understand what that joke means because I lived in a cave for 36 years, can you explain a little bit? “ ask anything and embrace your sweet naivety! People love to talk about themselves and be helpful!
- Do not assume anything about anyone. Don’t assume that they’re kind hearted and don’t assume that they’re wicked and evil because they live a different life than you. Assuming destroys friendships and relationships of all kinds do not create a narrative they know nothing about.
- Have thick elephant skin & get comfortable with Rejection . You will do well to invite others to participate in things that you are interested in . the worst thing they can say is no- I don’t really want to go kayaking, but I’d love to do something else with you . Many people are shy and are just waiting for somebody to engage with them and invite them to do things.
- Make sure your boundaries are clear what’s acceptable in and outside of your home and in and outside of your presence. We used to have those boundaries in our former BS such as you cannot swear in our house and you need to show no shoulders but now it may look like “you cannot bring hate towards other people of any group of humans into our home” and instead of saying “you, can’t” your boundaries looks more like “we don’t..( fill in the blank) speak like that in our home and we expect all those to do the same while here “
- Get good at reciprocating contact if someone sends you a text message make sure that you follow up. If you don’t have the time to give a more elaborate text let them know that you’ll touch base with them the next morning or whenever is convenient for you. Also make meet up plans, optional by giving at least two or three choices of what might work for them and you to get together- nobody loves to feel pigeonholed into one time slot - you’re not a doctor after all! ( maybe you are but, please don’t put your friends in that headspace)
- Abandon perfectionism A friend said to me once “ I don’t know how you do it all but then you open your van door and cup falls out and there’s trash on the floor and I know you’re a real person and I can breath easy now - we are all people doing our best “
- If you are feeling like you have to put on a show and have everything in its proper place, know that It’s just another way of masking up. You can’t create friendships with people who keep a mask on and they with you. So if you haven’t figured out who you are authentically and you’re afraid to show people that you might have an overflowing laundry room or need to be Suzie Homemaker before they’re allowed to come over, you are still masking up and holding back people from seeing how you truly are because of the perfectionism we were taught in the teachings of the church . Guess what? Jesus isn’t coming over to your house any minute that was just a lie so take a deep breath and know that you’re doing enough and that you are loved and acceptable exactly how you are right at this very minute.
. You no longer have to hustle for your worth ! - Surround yourself with people who are growth oriented . You may find out that some people are very limited and they’re thinking it’s going to be pretty hard for you since you are on a journey of growth and exploration. And also steer clear of people who are so focused on growth that they also set limitations with who you can and can’t be in touch with. You may be getting yourself into another cult. To understand Cults See Steven Hassan's body of work on the BITE model..
- Stop idolizing people and take them off the pedestals you have them on . Any of them - we were taught to revere those who were in charge, leading us , doing great things etc -and that’s is a way we dehumanize ( think about how people gossip and criticize any famous person in a public arena - ugh
) So, get off the tic tok bs , remember that social media is only 1-10% of peoples lives being shared & that some content is just another way to sell you something. And be kind to people online as well. Your social engagement can come back to bite you or to work for your good in making real connections . - You are not a mirror or a chameleon- do not agree all the time , don’t let other people choose what you eat, where you go on every occasion- this sounds redundant but that one part on runaway bride “ you don’t even know what kind of eggs you like!” Rings a bell. She was so happy to just go along the the eggs her many fiancés liked she never figured out what she actually enjoyed . Find your likes ,
dislikes and do not criticize if people don’t agree with your preferences' - many of of us don’t agree with many of things our friends do . That’s not what makes us friends in the first place . - Just because we are FREE now doesn’t mean “anything goes “ for every situation and place . Learn how to Read the room . Get an ideal of how to show up authentically in a new space and what’s appropriate for each situation . ( maybe don’t wear a sheer dress to the kids school fundraiser ?) And to be frank Some women will naturally feel extremely uncomfortable with you showing up as yourself anyways - & you don’t have to cater to those people but, you do have to do some of your life together ( kids school functions , dance class moms groups etc ) and most likely - they aren’t your people anyways so be kind and courteous- you can do it - remember how you exchanged niceties in the church hallways - just like that!
- Volunteer but don’t overextend your free labor & kind heart
like running but, don’t do more than a 5k? Volunteer as a marathon support instead of signing up to run the marathon with your friend . Host a book club , open your home for a craft night space , fill the folders at school and so on . But, for the love of all that’s holy - Do not use this to Avoid getting really in touch with who you are and who you are becoming ! “ Virtuous Avoidance “ is really easy to do with us Ex church goers . We would stay so busy with helping and doing that we avoid doing what matters most like getting physically & mentally healthy . Use your time wisely . You love theatre but aren’t ready to be on stage - go volunteer for lighting and admin . Start with things you like , are interested in, have skills in or are willing to try . And guess what - you may look back and go “ that was a waste of time or money or both “ but , it’s totally normal and you are a human having experiences of all kinds and you may find that your preferences for what you like are changing and those seasons of enjoying certain things may be coming to a close . It’s absolutely okay too. It’s normal. Nothing lasts forever. - Do not Love bomb your new friends ! Remember how we used to greet new members of our faith or ppl who just moved in ? Cookies , meals , watching their kids, helping them unpack and setting up house like besties & helping however we could . That’s a good thing to be so helpful but, to most people- it feels like you are making them a project and you are love bombing them . Yikes - only offer what you can & ask before you serve your new friend . “ Hey, I’d love to go on that rafting excursion with you and may I buy you a ticket so all you have to line up is babysitting ?” ...“ I’m picking up pizzas and I know you’ve had a long day and I’m happy to drop 2 by - What’s the families favorite ?” Gah- I remember people dropping dinners by and thinking “ Ack I can’t even eat that bc of my allergies -hopefully my kids will eat this ! “
- Abstain from Seeking Diverse people out to fill a Unique friend quota! That’s asinine and dehumanizing to say the least . Yes, have friends with all cultures & ways of living life but, do not target certain races and lifestyles - be open to creating genuine friendships plain & simple- your Vibe Attracts your Tribe as my friend Leah says!
- Use your Skills & Talents in the community When you are Ready. Did you enjoy singing and playing the piano in church? See if you can join the community choir. Loved camping in the outdoors that you did with the youth groups get a job at the YMCA for the summer in leadership if you have time or organize a camp out of your own, inviting friends and families to participate! Loved doing the homesteading activities ? start an Instagram account and share it with the world. All of us have some sort of skills or talent that we can use to not only make connections but to improve the lives of others. I started a Eco Event Planning Business after my years in Photography, Cakes, Seamstress work, Assisting in Wedding and Event Florals and planning. I Use all of that now in my business and Every Day life ( and sheesh I'm happily busy with it
too) - Lastly, Take your time ! Give yourself grace in the process of building new friendships and connections. Do not be in a rush. My grandpa used to say “ Good things ain’t cheap and cheap things ain’t good” “ quality over quantity . Don’t do a Rush job but a right Job and be proud of your work ." Over time you will gain confidence, find your most authentic & autonomous self , enjoy friendships of all kinds bc your energy is putting off these beautiful & unique vibes!!! May those who meet you be blessed by your heart & soul and GET OUT THERE!…
