Our Family ~ Nov 2017

Our Family ~ Nov 2017

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Fun at the wedding

Aria and ALL the kids loved playing on the beautiful staircase!
Dustin, ( g's birth father) and Kara ( b's birthmother) holding the kiddos !
Brielle was SPECIAL wearing a flower corsage!
Gavin LOVED the stairs and it was fight to keep him off them!
Kieth, Kara's son, just looked dapper in his little get up!
Megan. Emma, ( a birth cousin)Brielle and Aria hugging the bride goodbye!
Fun toes and shoes. Her colors were shades of green, silver, black and white! She had an ice cream bar at her reception and it was a lovely day!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Fear is normal

- its how we respond to it that makes us different!

for example- take myself! On the outside I'm a gung-ho momma on the move, always crafting, baking, working out, playing with kids, planning parties and playdates and otherwise keeping busy. Looking at me you'd never know that I have fears- big fears! Like the ones that could consume my every thought if I let them. But, i don't and I'm finally okay with admitting that it's okay to feel this way- slightly scared of what may be ahead. And out of control for the most part. 

You see having had 5 miscarriages, already I'm basically pre-programmed to fail in this arena of my life. So, how do i deal with that?- I expect failure and am pleasantly surprised when a baby succeeds to a full term birth- in/ from my womb. And every opportunity I get to think that the baby may not be living- I pounce on it so, I can prepare myself from FEELING SAD! YEP, I psych myself into this subliminal preparatory mindset- that I am doomed to fail again- therefore if the baby has not moved for 48 hours- it must be dead and therefore- I can stop this pseudo attachment to it! That way i don't have to feel anything- pain, anger, disappointment etc...

And during this pregnancy- I have been pretty detached- as though this baby isn't going to make it anyway so, why get all excited!?! I imagine birthmom's feels something relatively similar- the need to not get attached but, we are similarly in denial that we are getting attached every single day! I know if I lost this baby, I would be heartbroken and devastated! I don't know how I would react to others I saw with babies. I'd imagine I'd cry all the time and sob til i fell asleep some nights! It would be the least exciting thing to talk about and until my healing began, I think I'd avoid certain situations at all costs.

So, in theory, I'm not letting myself get too excited about what is growing inside me. I don't talk to this baby or sing to my belly. I'm not all giddy that I'm prego. It is a surprise pegnancy ( though welcomed) and lots of things about being with child SUCK! I could give you a list but, i will forgo that!
I didn't find out for two reasons- if this baby doesn't make it- i didn't want to waste my thoughts on all the woulda couldas,might have beens! The other is b/c I don't really want to disappoint anyone.

I know our birth families love us so much but,  since i magically conceived a little sister for Brielle, doesn't mean i can do the same for Gavin and give him a brother. And if it's not a brother, i know some people in my own bio family will be bummed out for a moment too.

Of course, i want a brother for Gavin! Do i know If this brother will come from me? No! And of course i want a girl too- it's been five years and i worry about how much more trouble G will get into with a sidekick to follow him around. So, I think a girl would be easier but, what if we never adopt a boy and then I'd wish this baby was a boy so, G would have a guaranteed brother! Gosh- it's draining!

So, when this sweet baby is born- everyone, including me, will just be excited that it made it here into the world and bonding, for me, will be just like with all my other children- instant and growing over time. Whether our kids come from my womb or our birth parents- they are equally as awesome and loved and treasured! And they all grew in my heart before this earth life  even began anyways!

That's how i feel about my fears and such. How do you deal with your fears of infertility, adoption fears, birth parenting fears? I'd love to hear about it- leave a comment!