You see having had 5 miscarriages, already I'm basically pre-programmed to fail in this arena of my life. So, how do i deal with that?- I expect failure and am pleasantly surprised when a baby succeeds to a full term birth- in/ from my womb. And every opportunity I get to think that the baby may not be living- I pounce on it so, I can prepare myself from FEELING SAD! YEP, I psych myself into this subliminal preparatory mindset- that I am doomed to fail again- therefore if the baby has not moved for 48 hours- it must be dead and therefore- I can stop this pseudo attachment to it! That way i don't have to feel anything- pain, anger, disappointment etc...
And during this pregnancy- I have been pretty detached- as though this baby isn't going to make it anyway so, why get all excited!?! I imagine birthmom's feels something relatively similar- the need to not get attached but, we are similarly in denial that we are getting attached every single day! I know if I lost this baby, I would be heartbroken and devastated! I don't know how I would react to others I saw with babies. I'd imagine I'd cry all the time and sob til i fell asleep some nights! It would be the least exciting thing to talk about and until my healing began, I think I'd avoid certain situations at all costs.
So, in theory, I'm not letting myself get too excited about what is growing inside me. I don't talk to this baby or sing to my belly. I'm not all giddy that I'm prego. It is a surprise pegnancy ( though welcomed) and lots of things about being with child SUCK! I could give you a list but, i will forgo that!
I didn't find out for two reasons- if this baby doesn't make it- i didn't want to waste my thoughts on all the woulda couldas,might have beens! The other is b/c I don't really want to disappoint anyone.
I know our birth families love us so much but, since i magically conceived a little sister for Brielle, doesn't mean i can do the same for Gavin and give him a brother. And if it's not a brother, i know some people in my own bio family will be bummed out for a moment too.
Of course, i want a brother for Gavin! Do i know If this brother will come from me? No! And of course i want a girl too- it's been five years and i worry about how much more trouble G will get into with a sidekick to follow him around. So, I think a girl would be easier but, what if we never adopt a boy and then I'd wish this baby was a boy so, G would have a guaranteed brother! Gosh- it's draining!
So, when this sweet baby is born- everyone, including me, will just be excited that it made it here into the world and bonding, for me, will be just like with all my other children- instant and growing over time. Whether our kids come from my womb or our birth parents- they are equally as awesome and loved and treasured! And they all grew in my heart before this earth life even began anyways!
That's how i feel about my fears and such. How do you deal with your fears of infertility, adoption fears, birth parenting fears? I'd love to hear about it- leave a comment!