Our Family ~ Nov 2017

Our Family ~ Nov 2017

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Fear is normal

- its how we respond to it that makes us different!

for example- take myself! On the outside I'm a gung-ho momma on the move, always crafting, baking, working out, playing with kids, planning parties and playdates and otherwise keeping busy. Looking at me you'd never know that I have fears- big fears! Like the ones that could consume my every thought if I let them. But, i don't and I'm finally okay with admitting that it's okay to feel this way- slightly scared of what may be ahead. And out of control for the most part. 

You see having had 5 miscarriages, already I'm basically pre-programmed to fail in this arena of my life. So, how do i deal with that?- I expect failure and am pleasantly surprised when a baby succeeds to a full term birth- in/ from my womb. And every opportunity I get to think that the baby may not be living- I pounce on it so, I can prepare myself from FEELING SAD! YEP, I psych myself into this subliminal preparatory mindset- that I am doomed to fail again- therefore if the baby has not moved for 48 hours- it must be dead and therefore- I can stop this pseudo attachment to it! That way i don't have to feel anything- pain, anger, disappointment etc...

And during this pregnancy- I have been pretty detached- as though this baby isn't going to make it anyway so, why get all excited!?! I imagine birthmom's feels something relatively similar- the need to not get attached but, we are similarly in denial that we are getting attached every single day! I know if I lost this baby, I would be heartbroken and devastated! I don't know how I would react to others I saw with babies. I'd imagine I'd cry all the time and sob til i fell asleep some nights! It would be the least exciting thing to talk about and until my healing began, I think I'd avoid certain situations at all costs.

So, in theory, I'm not letting myself get too excited about what is growing inside me. I don't talk to this baby or sing to my belly. I'm not all giddy that I'm prego. It is a surprise pegnancy ( though welcomed) and lots of things about being with child SUCK! I could give you a list but, i will forgo that!
I didn't find out for two reasons- if this baby doesn't make it- i didn't want to waste my thoughts on all the woulda couldas,might have beens! The other is b/c I don't really want to disappoint anyone.

I know our birth families love us so much but,  since i magically conceived a little sister for Brielle, doesn't mean i can do the same for Gavin and give him a brother. And if it's not a brother, i know some people in my own bio family will be bummed out for a moment too.

Of course, i want a brother for Gavin! Do i know If this brother will come from me? No! And of course i want a girl too- it's been five years and i worry about how much more trouble G will get into with a sidekick to follow him around. So, I think a girl would be easier but, what if we never adopt a boy and then I'd wish this baby was a boy so, G would have a guaranteed brother! Gosh- it's draining!

So, when this sweet baby is born- everyone, including me, will just be excited that it made it here into the world and bonding, for me, will be just like with all my other children- instant and growing over time. Whether our kids come from my womb or our birth parents- they are equally as awesome and loved and treasured! And they all grew in my heart before this earth life  even began anyways!

That's how i feel about my fears and such. How do you deal with your fears of infertility, adoption fears, birth parenting fears? I'd love to hear about it- leave a comment!


Korrie said...

Honestly I think everyone has fears about how their plan in life is going and from my personal experiences, pregnancy definitely hightens those fears and puts them into a whole different perspective. Don't' ever feel like you've fallen short because you have fears, they are yours but I can empathize with you on some aspects. We have had many of our own fertility issues, one that includes a 'surprise' pregnancy and for me, I felt the same way. Very disconnected and always expecting the worst so when it happened, I was prepared. For me, I think part of that was that I was an adoptive parent and always felt like the babies I had, I would never be able to keep and if so, how was I going to love them after being so disconnected. I can say that I've come to know you very well through your blog and posts about your beliefs and how strong you are as a parent and no matter what, YOUR children are loved more than words can express and that's all that matter.

The Dell Family said...

Thanks for sharing your fears! You are an amazing woman I'm sure everyone tells you that but it's true. Can't wait to hear when the little one comes and what it's going to be. I keep thinking my next one I think I will make it a surprise too!

A Life Being Lived said...

I'm a birthmother. I have never experienced a miscarriage but was astounded of how similar the feelings can be about pregnancy. (The not wanting to get too excited/attached, not wanting to fully "Hope", etc.) It helped me understand women who have had infertility/difficult pregnancies etc better than prior to me becoming a birthmother. It helped me recognize that this motherhood thing (no matter how we get there- adoption, surrogacy, difficult pregnancies, etc) is a common bond. I am not raising any children (my placed child was my first and only) and I find myself not wanting to look to forward to the future for fear that I may actually never experience parenthood. I could care less if a child came from me biologically or adopted from far away (or adopted from anywhere), but I'm not at a point in my life (with no husband which is a requirement for me!) where a family is a near possibility but it does sadden me that my adoption experience has somewhat tempered my excitement and joy about becoming a mom "one day". I can only imagine that it is similar to women (and men but for women it's a very personal and indescribable thing to become a mother, no offense to dads) who have lost a child or pregnancy or have fertiity issues. Praying for your miracle #4!!!