The Christian Crew

We all come to different stages in our lives where we see the end of what was our life for the last um-teen years or months and the change that is ahead. Some of us are overjoyed at these next steps or end of that certain chapter but, most of us see these as bittersweet experiences. For me, the most recent one was TODAY! I seriously went through the whole grief cycle in a matter of hours. I bargained with myself saying internally " i can totally still do this if i just give up what i really need to do" " I will just try harder, then everything will be fine"! I Denied that this was going to happen today- i said now way- This is not happening! I felt GUILTY for not being a more equipped mother to my most recent baby. I was ANGRY at Myself  for being a QUITTER! I held my limp , stretch marked abdomen and SOBBED uncontrollably, Hating that i didn't Get to NURSE ALL of my Babies and get that bonding time with each of them.  As I held Slade in my Arms after nur...

- its how we respond to it that makes us different! for example- take myself! On the outside I'm a gung-ho momma on the move, always crafting, baking, working out, playing with kids, planning parties and playdates and otherwise keeping busy. Looking at me you'd never know that I have fears- big fears! Like the ones that could consume my every thought if I let them. But, i don't and I'm finally okay with admitting that it's okay to feel this way- slightly scared of what may be ahead. And out of control for the most part.  You see having had 5 miscarriages, already I'm basically pre-programmed to fail in this arena of my life. So, how do i deal with that?- I expect failure and am pleasantly surprised when a baby succeeds to a full term birth- in/ from my womb. And every opportunity I get to think that the baby may not be living- I pounce on it so, I can prepare myself from FEELING SAD! YEP, I psych myself into this subliminal preparatory mindset- that I ...