Tuesday, September 20, 2011
"Just because she isn’t with me doesn’t mean she isn’t part of me."
My name is Jessica I’m 24 I found out I was pregnant shortly after I turned 23. I was so scared to find out I was pregnant. I was a college dropout in the army reserve and I was working security full time making $12/hour and was barely making it. When I first found out I was pregnant I considered abortion for about two seconds. I didn’t want my family knowing I made a mistake and I screwed up. I wanted to hide my actions. After I thought about it and then remembered my values and beliefs that thought was gone as quickly as it came. My next options were to be a single parent or place her up for adoption. I thought long and hard about what I needed to do. At this point no one knew I was pregnant. When I went to the doctor to confirm my suspicions I found out I was 12 weeks along. At this point I started reflecting on my life, my finances and where I was at that point in time. The biggest question that went through my head was can I do this on my own. After going through all these thoughts I decided me being a single parent wasn’t the best option, but the better option would be adoption. Adoption would also give me a fresh start. So I made the choice to place my daughter up for adoption. This decision was the hardest one I have ever made.
When I made the decision to place is when I told my family I was pregnant. I told my mom and my bishop. As I approached my bishop with the concept of Adoption he gave me a name of someone he knew was looking to adopt. Even though I had made up my mind I was still confused on everything but I held onto the names he gave me. A week after I told my mom and bishop my mom approached me and told me she felt compelled to approach a new couple at church who were looking to adopt again. I met them a few days later and I became friends with them. The wife Corrine helped me be comfortable with the decision of adoption. When I officially decided to place I started thinking about every person out there that is unable to have children of their own. Who am I to be a single parent when I know I can’t provide for the child as well as she needed without government assistance. I was not willing to have a child raised off of government assistance if I can help it. It would be selfish in my eyes to keep her just because she was “mine”.
I started hanging out with Corrine more often and one day I mentioned to her about the names I had received from my bishop. Corrine and I went on to Itsaboutlove.org and I found the couple who the bishop had mentioned. I read their profile and realized there were already a lot of similarities between them and I. I was attracted to them and I wanted to meet them. I sent them a message. Sending them a message was the best decision I could have ever made. During my search for a couple I only met three couples before I found one that was right. I have an open adoption with a beautiful couple. I’m glad I could place my daughter in a wonderful home. I helped start the family of a couple who is unable to have children of their own. When I was looking for a couple I had a few things that I was looking for. At first I wasn’t sure what I wanted but as time went on I realized I wanted to find a home with good values and someone who was happy in the church and could provide for my child without struggling like I would have had to do. Even though my daughter is in another home I know she is loved by many and she is provided for. She will have a better chance in life succeeding than I ever could give her. I made the choice of adoption for her. I do enjoy the open adoption. I get to see my daughter grow up from a distance. I have gotten pictures and updates on her.
As time as gone by, the decision to place has gotten easier. I experienced a lot of good and bad days regarding the decision. With all the bad days I have had I would still make the same decision to place. My daughter is in a good home and I couldn’t ask for anymore. I received a fresh start and I can make her proud of me from a distance. I can work on an education and establish a career to the point where I’m not making $12/hour. I will always love her. Just because she isn’t with me doesn’t mean she isn’t part of me.
UPDATE- Jess is not deployed as if yet but will be leaving to CUBA in the coming year. She has an open relationship with Madison and her adoptive parents! AND we are even better and closer friends than when we met years ago!
~ last pic- Jess is holding Gavin, our son from our amaing birth mom Jessica H. and Dustin H. is his birth father