I remember the 4 years of being married and not being a mother yet- the first 2 were fine but, the next two STUNG and I was even asked to talk on mother's day at church, that 4th year. It was a small dagger in my side( mainly b/c we didn't share with others that we were trying and miscarrying) as I went on and on about the beauty of motherhood, while I lacked being one, due to infertility issues. But, it was only 9 months after that when I became a mother! I never gave up hope that it would happen one day!
Because of an incredibly selfless birth mom, Kara, I sat that 5th yr of our marriage, in the pew, holding this sweet little baby so tightly! Brielle was a dream baby and we were just embarking on what Parenting was really like. The 6th year, I was pregnant and loathing the Dry Heat of Las Vegas and feeling so much compassion for every woman who came before me, who-ever had children! Being pregnant was HARD on me and though I was grateful, it took a toll on my body and spirit! I often thought of Kara and my mom and the sweat and tears that went into labor and delivery. I cried even more for Kara After I had Aria! I didn't even want to think about what she was feeling in the hospital after she had this tiny girl and what was ahead of her, at placement time.
I Also thought about Betty ( Brandon's mom), the 8+ years her Arms were empty and how discouraging it must have been. It was difficult for her as she watched her siblings having their 6th , 7th and 8th kids while she sat childless. No one wishes that on their worst enemy. I imagine she was BEAMING the year she sat with little baby Brandon in her arms and what she must have thought. I know there is gratitude for His birth mom and her decision to place. I am Grateful for Her on mother's day too!
We met Jessica about 14 days before mothers day, I sat in church with my family and little SECRET I was keeping b/c we didn't tell anyone ( well, just a couple people)! I thought about Jess and again what would be the hardest part ahead of her. I have grown to understand that I only have a FRACTION of the strength a birth mother has. I hold these women in such high regard and that will never change. I remember trying to be so stoic and HAPPY on placement day but, as I loaded that tiny sweet Mini Man into his car seat, in the hall of the hospital, after placement- I LOST IT. I felt a wave of GUILT rush over me- followed by a sense of PEACE and CHRISTLIKE love for all the people and events that just took place. I bawled and just collapsed for a moment on the floor. It was overwhelming! Again, I became a Mother to another wonderful child.
I remember finding out I was pregnant in April of 2012 and I didn't hide it but, I did NOT believe it would stick. I did the protocol and got an ultrasound and went to my midwife appts but, it wasn't until 21 weeks that I decided it was okay for me to be HAPPY and get excited for this one ( I had 5 miscarriages already)! So that Mother's Day I SANG in church with some other ladies about all the Simple Things a mother does and it HIT me, as it does every year, that I needed to TRUST GOD and that whatever happened - it would be okay!
I had Slade a few days after my birthday in January. It was natural, painful temporarily and FAST! We had a BOY, a Brother for Gavin- who could ask for more? Everyone was excited- He was everybody's baby! I felt that mother's instinct to enjoy every precious second and a wave of emotion as I knew He would be my last biological child- and It would be just fine. God's promptings made it clear to me and my hubby that although my body had " done it's time" in trying to get children to our family- He had another Plan- a Better plan.
As I nursed Slade for the very last time, quietly sitting in his room, I sobbed and sobbed and that bittersweet feeling and almost audible words- rushed over and through me again- "You are not done mothering but, there will be no other child that will come from you. You have done all I have asked of you and now, another journey awaits, When it is the right time to find your children."
I'm a MOTHER to 4 beautiful kids who make my life beautifully crazy! I wouldn't have them without 2 other Amazing mothers- Kara & Jess. I wouldn't have my husband without Betty having raised him and Jane having Placed him. He is such a GREAT man who gives me the luxury of staying at home with my kiddos- kissing boo boos, digging for worms with my boys, playing on the swings, or in the rain, wiping tears and laughing till it hurts! I wouldn't be a Mother without my mom teaching me and guiding me and instilling love and values in me. I'm far from perfect and I will never claim to be. I'm utterly indebted to these many women and always will be!
~I can't wait to see what the future holds for our family and how our children will find their way to us and to have that part of my heart filled. That part that aches to know that where ever these future children are- that they and their birth mothers are surrounded by love!
~~To my childless friends and Family- YOU ARE MOTHERING when you teach others, when you nurse others to health, when you support other mothers who are having a hard time. You are valued and I Hope you know that God knows you and Loves you too and if you are not able to bare children- there are other ways, if you are led to these ways and open enough to receive these blessings.
Adoption is not everyone's choice but, I know that some people never even consider it. I don't know why and I feel like people are missing out on such an intensely beautiful part of their lives b/c they are so closed off to it! For Us- It's a Miracle, a Blessing, A joy, and OUR FAMILY! We wouldn't be who we are without it!
Happy Birth Mother's Day and Happy Mother's Day to all you awesome Ladies!!!