Falling to Pieces

Last night i had a dream... I was in the hospital room and we were there to see if Aria had swallowed something. The Dr. said he saw my stomach moving and wanted to do an ultrasound. The nurses all gathered around me and one said they could here 3 heart beats-mine and 2 babies.
Aria was FINE and all the attention was turned to me now ( DREAMS ARE PRETTY ONE SIDED AND SELFISH USUALLY). Well, the Dr. was taking a long time and i asked for a PT before he came. I didn't want to be disappointed like that again and i was lean and not looking prego. I get the test and Pee and it's PURPLE lines , not pink or blue! The nurses tell me it means multiples!!!
Everyone was happy. I was ready for the dream to end b/c i figured out in my dream that it wasn't real and started waiting for the KICK .{enter the song FALLING to PIECES}

I hear the music in the dream i know it's time to wake up now but, this dream feels so real and being a mommy again is what i desire most so, i wasn't ready to wake quite yet. Then the lyrics come... {When a heart breaks, no it don't break even, even. What am i supposed to do...} I'm awake!
I'm staring at my white sheets and the lack of comforter that has slipped off my bed & a 5 yr old sweetie pie curled up between me and daddy ( love king size beds:). The song continues to play in my head and I think... I MUST TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST! I calculate the time i thought we did it all right, don't even factor in my infertility (PCOS) and lack of hormones but, ask myself " was my dream telling me something?" I get out of bed, grab a test do the thing and of course, Why am i shocked when it's negative!

I'm sad but, i already know that getting pregnant again is like a figment of my imagination, a dream.{enter lyrics...I'm falling to pieces... followed by that soft guitar solo}
I say a prayer of thanks for adoption, silently. I come and sit at my computer and am now typing and the end feelings i have as i finish this up is that I'm finally understand what it feels like to really have a wait time. With Brielle we didn't wait at all ( i will post her story one day soon)! We had like a few days-really that was it!

Now, you could factor in when we felt prompted to try and adopt- our wait has been almost 2 years now. We've been with this LDSFS office in the approved status for 8 months but waiting for much longer ( you can look under Our Journey Thus Far)
{ enter lyrics... When a heart breaks well, it don't break even, even!}
I also want to state that Brandon and I may not know our birth mom yet ( b/c we haven't been selected or matched yet) but, We already have a love for this woman. We want her to know and feel that and we can't wait to share our lives with her and her family too. That's the beauty of open adoption. I'm so happy that Open Adoption is possible and I thank our Father for our Open Adoption with Brielle's Birth Family everyday...
{ ....the Best part of ME was always YOU....}

These Lyrics make me think of our birth mom to be and in a way- They are the BEST PART of ME! I only have a 2 %( or less) chance of ever conceiving a child again in my lifetime so, i'm indebted to our birth mother to be! You have and can do what i can not and b/c of your choice- you are my Hero, our angel and everything for our family! Not a day goes by that we don't pray for you and think of you! Hope you find us sooner than later- you are already so amazing to us! My girls can't wait to meet you and love you too.

I understand now how adoption can be so healing to families! It's beautiful, courageous, selfless, bittersweet, inspired, divine, and chock full of the unknown! And All the pieces of our broken hearts can be put back together into a new heart- our adoption heart!


( pics of binks i ordered from my great friend Danielle's company ulubulu.com)