Our Family ~ Nov 2017

Our Family ~ Nov 2017

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Worries, Myths and ?'s

SO... many hopeful adoptive couples and families have a few worries and myths that I want to share in this post...( random pics of our zoo trip too)

For some reason these have been on my mind a bit as I've been spreading the good word of adoption and talking with couples and high school aged teens and friends...

Why haven't we been chosen after 18 months, 2 years etc??? ( not us, just a ? from a few couples)
Couples who wait are not hopeless. I feel that our wait time is part of the process of learning and growing and preparing. Couples with long waits often get the blues but, usually that can be remedied by GETTING BABY OFF THE BRAIN and getting involved in other causes instead of just doing nothing. A good cause is adoption and FSA is a great wait to advocate and outreach, often through this contacts are made and placement is more likely to happen ( and time flies faster). One of my best friends in Henderson, NV waited for 3 years and after getting involved in FSA, she was placed 3 months later. Get involved with your agency and your community. And GOD knows what we need when we need it! Including Adoption!

Are birth parents expecting to share parenting with adoptive parents after placement?
Not particularly. And not on a daily basis. Most birth parents love to HELP with baby when they are over for visits and that is ,normally, very special bonding time. Day to day decisions are made by the Adoptive parents. We consult with Kara when we feel she needs to be included in the decisions and we share our decisions with her so, she knows how we are raising OUR CHILD
( hers and ours combined) . BP's are NOT going to take over just b/c you want openness. That's silly!

Is having your birth mom stay with you guys weird?
For us, NO! It depends on EVERY couple and every placement situation. We had Kara stay with us for 6 days and it was great ( a tad hard for her with her baby boy who is 11 months) but, so wonderful to have her here. We share some responsibilities while we are together like cooking, party prep, getting Pj's on, reading stories, getting special Party dresses on, kids loaded in cars etc... And It works for US. We hope to go camping with her whole extended family this summer too, if possible! We love them all!

What if you don't know all the health history of the child you adopt?( like if Birth father is unknown)
Does one ever know, even with biological children? Your great grandfather could have passed down something to a bio child and you may have no clue. Obviously, with open adoption we get to chat about everything from allergies to eczema. Openness helps eliminate the ?'s but , if Birth father isn't present we may just have to get some super serious blood work done. Not a worry to me!

What do you call Brielle's birthmom when she is there? What does Brielle Call her?
We all call her Kara and Brielle tells everyone that She is her Tummy Mommy or her birth mommy! She knows all of this b/c we have explained, in 5 year old detail ,that God needed YOU ( Brielle) to be born to Kara so, that she could find us and we could all be a big family. She knows how Special she is to have 2 mommies and likes to brag about it a tad. Aria( bio daughter) thinks it's odd to have only 1 mommy:)

How come some birth parents choose to just be semi- open? Why isn't it all or nothing?
Well, I'm not a birth parent but( back me up here BP friends) It's really a choice each expectant parent has to make depending on where they are at in life and every other factor that could possibly matter to them. 2 of my birth mom cousins have 2 different relationships with their AP's. One is Semi- open/Open ( sees him once a year or more) And the other is semi-open/closed ( no one outside of her parents have ever seen him or a picture of him). It's up to the individual and We ( AP's) shouldn't ever push a BP to do what WE want - ever!

What if we aren't chosen because of our_______? ( they have kids already, religion, place or residence, occupation of adoptive father? We can't change these things so then what?

Oh, the bLaNkS!!! I hear this a lot. All i can say is- the right BP will find and select you, if it FEELS right to her/them. Sometimes things matter to some people and sometimes they

don't. I guess you just have to be true to who you are and hope for the best. I also encourage AP's after 3 years or more of waiting to start checking out all their adoption choices. Look into other agencies, expand your willingness to accept things you thought you wouldn't, look into foster care and get confirming feelings on your choices.
God does NOT care how your children come into your family- only that they get there!

What does Brielle's call her Birth Grandparents?
Grandma Dawn and Grandpa Phil! They are always going to call them that and rightfully so! I used to freak about that but, as time has gone by, i realized that it hurts NO ONE to have more grandparents. Aria calls them that too and they readily accept Aria as much as Brielle! We love them so much and they have already told us that they'd accept the next child/ren as well. You can never have too many people who love you!

Has Brandon Met his Birth family yet?
He has met one of his Sisters but, not his birth parents yet. We know, kind of, where they live and as a wife, I must be supportive of his decision to do this on his own timeline- not mine. Things are very different with his placement and eventually, I'm sure He will meet more of them! Time will tell!

Can Adoptive Couples be too guarded or too transparent online or in profiles?
Yes and NO. I think knowledge is power but, often Adoptive couples are afraid of getting scammed emotionally or financially so, they don't readily post phone numbers( real ones) or addresses until a expectant parent has made contact with their agency. Me, I'd put my # on here but, I'm afraid all the scammers would keep me up all night( tee hee)! So, if you want ours- shoot me an email and let me know that your human and not a hacker or spammer:) I do think you should devuldge as much info about WHO YOU ARE etc on your profile so, people can relate to you. Sometimes limited info on a blog comes off as " they're hiding stuff, what are they leaving out? They sound too perfect or fake. No one can agree with thier spouse 100% of the time. Who are they fooling by being so vague? etc" So, be true to you and only you!

Also here's a great page from a great agency about adoption myths found here!

And questions for expectant parents, about adoption here!

If anyone has ?'s please leave a comment or shoot us an email.

1 comment:

A Life Being Lived said...

This is a great post!!! I am a birthparent, and do not know first hand the "waiting" and anxiety that adoptive parents must go through, but know from my experience that God has perfect timing....it does happen, and it is a beautiful thing. There is an expectant mother out there who is considering adoption...and if it is right for her and her child, she will choose it. I promise you!